I follow a lot of social media pages for moms, most of them related to memes. They make me laugh, but they also encourage me. Women freely admit their physical and emotional struggles with parenthood and find affirmation among fellow moms. Sometimes these memes hit home or leave me in stitches, and sometimes they miss the mark entirely.
Yesterday, I came across a meme that said “People without kids are like, ‘You can’t call your kid an asshole.'” Under the meme the poster added, “Ok but it’s BECAUSE they’re our kids that we CAN call them that and if you play your cards right, you can call my kids that, too.” (insert heart emoji)
Excuse me, what?
If I play my cards right…if I ingratiate myself to you in some way…I can call your kid a name?
The comments section made my heart sink. Lots of women high-fived this idea, and several said “Oh, I call my kids even worse names than that!” One woman bragged, “I call my kids a**holes AND motherf***ers!” Their admitted verbal abuse was rewarded with “likes” by the original poster and other followers. The overwhelming message: Since they’re my kids, I am entitled to call them names when they are misbehaving and being frustrating.
I started noticing these memes circulating on social media pages geared toward–and run by–mothers a couple years ago. Most of them say something along the lines of, “it’s ok if you call your kids assholes, we know you love them to pieces anyway.” Look, I’m all for normalizing humanness. 100%. We’re not perfect people, therefore we’re not perfect mothers. We love our families to death, but we make mistakes and too often beat ourselves up unnecessarily. Too often we let the world see our good parts, the parts we’re proud of, and not the moments of weakness. Being real about your struggles causes someone else to say “hey, me too,” and suddenly you’re in this trench together. This wonderful, joyous, frustrating and sometimes terrifying thing called motherhood.
What I’m troubled by is the cavalier attitude toward name-calling, and using the struggles of parenthood and the unconditional love for your child as an excuse to publicly denigrate them. It’s even understood that if you, as an observer, call it into question, you are the problem. You are trying to attach shame to someone being authentic, and are therefore suppressing authenticity. Who are you to judge, Karen?
Kathi Valeii makes an interesting point in her article “Why it’s Not Ok to Call Your Kid an A$$hole”:
“It’s a strange double standard society tolerates blithely when it comes to saying rude things about kids. When I see kids contextualized as crappy humans, I mentally switch out the word “kids” with another vulnerable community that requires caregiving and respect, such as “the elderly.” Of course, most people would consider belittling statements expressed about older people to be highly offensive and rightly so. So, why don’t we feel the same way about casual slurs aimed at children?”
Imagine your grandfather or grandmother behaving in a way that is typical of their age group: forgetting things, repeating themselves, making you shout because they can’t hear you, moving too slow, etc. Now imagine that you are their caregiver with the usual burden that accompanies that role. Imagine going online and “joking” that your grandparents are “such assholes” because they’re behaving in a typical elderly fashion. But hey, it’s ok, because you love them and they love you, right? And you’re taking care of them, so you can say whatever you want, right?
Being someone’s parent or caregiver does not grant the right for verbal assault, in jest or in earnest. Kids aren’t being intentional jerks. They’re kids, behaving as kids typically do. Sometimes they misbehave. They’re not going to understand that what is being said about them and to them is a “joke” or “all in fun.” Because of their young age, irony and sarcasm are difficult concepts to grasp; everything that is said is taken literally. They love–and look up to–their parents. I can’t imagine someone I love and admire going online and calling me derogatory names “as a joke” to the general public. I know adults who were called names by their parents as children because “it was funny.” What’s funny is that they never got the joke.
The things we call our children become their internal voice. When we call them names, we are assigning character traits to them that are unfair and set them up for failure and heartache. When we demonize them–whether online or in a social setting–we’re unintentionally inviting others to judge them unfairly without first knowing them. We are encouraging negative bias. If someone repeatedly tells me that so-and-so is a jerk, what’s the first thing I will think when meeting them? That they’re a jerk!
Let’s normalize the human side of motherhood without affirming harmful parenting. Harsh, demeaning talk under the cloak of “being real” is still verbal abuse, no matter how you spin it.
Anne With an E 
Good point. I think it applies to the teacher-pupil and professor-student relationships, too–even boss-employee. Context makes a difference, and at a university or workplace, very direct feedback is more important. But, yeah, let kids be kids. They need guidance, but calling them a-holes is a verbal assault. Good post.
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